Gathering.

It's taken me a while to process what that day meant to me.  At first, it's hard to believe that an entire year has gone by.  I feel almost guilty that I've lived so much since you chose not to.  I wonder what you would think of me now--graduated, moving across the country.  I wish there were some way to show you all of the things I've done; sometimes all I want is to hear your praise, to listen to you tell me how beautiful you think I am.  Whose lap do I sit in now?  You were the only person who didn't think I've gotten too old.  A whole year, but it still hurts like it did 52 weeks ago.  What will next year be like?  What happens after five years?  Ten?  Fifty?

What if I forget?  
 
How is Jason?  We miss him, too.  That still hurts, too.  I want him back here with us, too.

What is it about death that is so troublesome? My own death doesn't bother me, just the death of everyone else. 

Hopelessness.

I do everything by myself.  And really, I've done a lot.  But I don't want to anymore.

So how do I get up for work in the morning now?

Tonight.

I am terrified. In an exciting, exhilarating, exhausting
kind of way.
Sometimes the nagging, needful, necessary
details take over.
I forget the adventurous, aspiring, animated
self I am.
Fears of broken, beaten, battered
dreams consume me.
But then I see the vivid, vital, voracious
opportunities becoming real.
My sleepy, stunning, sublime
dreams take over.

Apathy-the panacea.

What am I going to tell him? My greatest fear, I've come to realize, isn't that he will be heartbroken. It is that he won't. Which begs more questions--why do I care so much that he cares so much? What am I really searching for? What am I trying to substitute?

I want to be missed. I want to know that I didn't waste my time here-that I really, truly matter to someone. That a person will say, "I knew this girl once..." and it will end the way I always wanted it to.

But why?


And furthermore, should I marry him? Is someone out there going to be so absolutely crazy for me that he won't hesitate in the slightest to spend the rest of his life with me? Does he feel that way?